Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Dear Self (Circa 1995)

It is obvious that the frienemies you currently have aren’t really friends at all. Perhaps you are the one they choose to hang around with so they can feel better about themselves. Because, let’s be honest, friends don’t let friends wear dresses resembling hotel curtains adorned with decoration from a tacky 1980’s wedding cake. Friends also don't let you agree to get your hair done by Joanne, a woman in her mid-sixties, in the “Beauty Shop” residing in the basement of her home. Perhaps that is why your hair looks like something a 60 year old woman would have done to her own hair. In her basement. With no lights on. Nary a mirror in sight.

While you aren’t aware of it, you should better appreciate your ability to eat a plethora of junk, avoid any type of physical activity, and maintain a svelte 100 pounds. Although you can’t appreciate it now since you are too entrenched in typical high-school angst, it will be the only time in your life you are afforded such luxury. Yes, you scoff now, but I can assure you that no matter how much you exercise, or how Karen Carpenter your diet, your arms will never again be that skinny. Isn’t that great news?



I know it is annoying, but we also need to talk about the tan. You know how your mother (who knows nothing) tells you daily that you do not need to tan at the electric beach and that doing so is detrimental to your health? Like any other invincible teenager, I know you roll your eyes and emphatically protest about how she can’t POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND just how important that it is. In fact, you might just fall over and die if you aren’t able to achieve such a hideous fake golden tan. However, many years later, you will realize that the maybe she was on to something. The scars left from multiple surgical removals of precancerous cells are so much sexier.

I know that the age gap in siblings isn’t unusual to you, considering that you are 14 years older than your younger brother. However, besides the Duggar’s, the other 99.9% of the world doesn’t automatically assume “siblings” when they see you with your infant brother. So, when you decide to proudly display your photograph with said brother, you look remarkably like a high-schooler who gave birth her sophomore year.

Have fun at the dance.

Self (Circa 2009)

11 comments:

Annje said...

Ah, the things we would tell ourselves. You've got to give yourself a break though, it was the nineties. YOur dress looks stylish for the times (I know I was there... and that age) Your hair is kind of cute--those barettes scream "YOUTH". Skinny arms are totally over-rated. and I've got a scar from cancerous cells (the bad kind) that isn't sexy either.

Claire said...

Lyndsay, that was hysterical. If only we knew then! I recently found a pic of me from high school, hiding my face because I was embarrassed by my fat stomach in the bathing suit I was wearing. I was seriously a stick. How ridiculous!

As a teenager, I got called "Mom" by strangers, thanks to my younger by 14 years brother. Good stuff!

feefifoto said...

Wouldn't it be weird if the girl in the photo actually responded to your letter? Kind of a time/space continuum bending thing. Let us know if that happens.

Michel said...

hahaha! OMG that was hilarious. I used to think it is appropriate to Perm my hair.

Someone should have staged an intervention!

Michel said...

oh, and i used to call myself a big fat pig in high school. I'm not sure what I would call me now....I should have treasured it as well!

Call Me Cate said...

Wow, that look was really working for you. Tell me you still have the dress and you still fit into it? No? Me neither... I had dark blue hotel curtains with birthday cake icing decorations, a 5-strand pearl dog collar, and an unfortunate incident involving my fingers in a light socket which did nice things to my hair.

No sophomore baby corsage though to complete my ensemble.

Mary said...

I enjoyed reading this so much. I was 13 when my first siste was born and 19 when my second sister was born. When the family would go out together, my parents were asked about their granddaughter...no one was more embarrassed than me.

C. Beth said...

Wow, I am not sure what the "svelte" and "tan" thing on both of our blogs says about us. I guess we're on the same wavelength! Scary for you. ;)

I was skinny in high school...but definitely NOT tan.

Suzy said...

That was hilarious. I was skinny my entire life and thought that would last until death do us part but MAN was I wrong.

Jeanne said...

My comparable pictures were taken in the late '60s and early '70s. If you want embarrassment, throw a paisley mini-skirt into the arena.

WV: vingste -- vintage angst!

cardiogirl said...

Love that! I've been watching 16 and Pregnant over at MTV lately (seems like it's always on as I channel surf) and that's the first thing I thought when I saw your picture!

Not that there's anything wrong with that.