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“They were just such an important part of our family. They’ve only lived in our household for two short weeks. It isn’t very often that you adopt the quintessential pair of paints. They had an ideal fit, gorgeous material and undeniable style. We just spent last Friday together, the only time they were ever worn” declared Lyndsay, pants-owner, between heart-wrenching sobs and fits of belligerence.
In a true victory for men everywhere, Craig, the alleged suspect, said, “I sorted the darks from the lights. I only washed the darks this time.” Upon further probing, the reporter heard Craig mumble “I didn’t realize that I needed to check the tags. I don’t own clothes that say dry-clean only. If she didn’t want them washed, why were they laying near the dirty laundry? Why does she keep yelling that DRY CLEANING ONLY is NOT subjective?”
Shortly after the pants were pronounced in stable condition, they were immediately transferred to the local Thrift Shop for recovery. “It’s going to take a really special person to take these pants into their home. There are not many women out there less than 4’11” tall who would be willing to accept such responsibility” one onlooker said.
Officials are urging the medical community to intensify their efforts on research between the Y chromosome and the inability to successfully complete a load of laundry. “If research cannot support this claim, there is just no saying what Craig’s fate is going to be” stated the first officer on the scene. “It’s getting ugly here and this discovery would be his only saving grace at this point.” That research just might not come soon enough. Authorities have opened up a special investigation to see if this was a brilliant case of intentionally ruining a sacred piece of clothing under the guise of helping out. It is suspected that it was an attempt to permanently relieve the suspect of laundry duty for eternity.
“I hope for his sake that the assumptions aren’t true” said the investigator while shaking his head.
