Friday, September 4, 2009

Strike a pose

Last month, we were required to get our professional pictures taken for work. The organization I work for thought it was essential for the management team to have their mug shots on our website and for each of us to have our shot to use for press releases and such. I had a hard time paying attention to the rest of the message, I sort of blacked out after “pictures taken.”

There is nothing less compatible with me than getting my picture taken professionally. In almost every studio shot I’ve ever been unfortunate enough to see of myself, I look about as relaxed and comfortable as someone with a stick lodged firmly between their cheeks. For good measure, I swear I develop some sort of exaggerated tourette’s syndrome and my facial features start jockeying for most distorted. My lip curls, my eye squints, my nose starts running away from my face, or some freaky combination of the above occur. A photograph not even a mother could love.

When we showed up at the studio on the day of the pictures, I looked the photographer square in the face and said, “You have no idea what you are up against here, but you better do I good job.” I didn’t know he took me seriously until I realized that he took about 25 shots of me and about 10 of each of the others in the group. Yes, it took TWENTY-FIVE shots to make me look decent. No, I don’t mean 25 of those kind of shots, although that would certainly help.

Earlier this week our proofs arrived at the office. I hoped they might spontaneously combust before my eyes were subjected to such torture, but they didn’t. And believe me, there was torture, about 24 images of pure torture. However, one came through to save the day and the life of the photographer at the studio. Not perfect, but considering what he had to work with, at least acceptable. I can live with it and can now begin to repair the damage done to my heart by this entire fiasco. Do they offer workers compensation for such ordeals?

As my colleagues looked at my picture, they unanimously agreed that, “It’s a nice picture, but it just doesn’t have enough attitude.”

No shit, I said, “I look so sweet, innocent, and friendly, I didn’t even recognize myself.”


Eternal Lizdom said...

Reminds me of that episode of Freinds where Monica and Chandler go to get their engagement pic taken and Chandler has that weird face he always makes when he "smiles" for the camera.

It's a lovely picture.

CarrieAnn said...

I'm with you. It takes at least that many pics for me to get a decent one. But your pic is beautiful!

Leslie said...

I love your pic!

Ann's Rants said...

Very funny post.

Yeah, the picture is a bit stiff, but at least it's still attractive.

Jeanne said...

I've had to do this twice: once in my thirties, the second time when I was nearing fifty. Both pictures were good, but the difference between them.... I felt like I'd been smacked with the "Damn, you're old!" hammer.

This is a good pic -- and if you look at your eyes, there's a glimpse of steel in there, behind the sweet smile.

C. Beth said...

This is beautiful! And I have to say, your hair looks FANTASTIC. I'm trying not to be jealous. :)

Me, Christy said...

Fantastic picture! I AM jealous!!!
All that AND attitude? Damn, girl, you got it going on!

Sleek said...

i was holding my breath; had to make sure no one was watching as i scrolled down to look at the pic...nice.kinda regal even

Grand Pooba said...

Ha ha ha! So the sweet friendliness is just an act? You deserve an academy award! That picture is great! And your writing is so funny!

Anonymous said...

I don't think the picture looks as bad as you think. We're all our worst critic. You have that slight smile that says, "I'm smiling, this should scare you." That's my favorite expression to those who need to know not to mess with me.

Besides, hold the picture in front of a mirror. You'll probably like that angle better since that's how you see yourself in the mirror everyday.