Wednesday, May 6, 2009

When all else fails

My name is Lyndsay and I am an anti-exercise-aholic. Even thinking about exercise makes my stomach churn and my feet cement themselves to the ground in protest. I’ve tried very unsuccessfully to engage in some degree of physical activity numerous times over the past few years. I just don’t think I have it in my genetic make-up. In fact, there are few things I find less enjoyable than exercise. I swear my body hates exercise too. Historically, when I have made an attempt to exercise, it rebukes by failing to yield ANY results and taunts me with hallucinations of other ways I could be spending that time. One time last year, my body laughed at me and gained weight when I tried to exercise. Uninformed people try to say that is because your body is gaining muscle. I know better, it is my body telling me hard work, sweat, and sore muscles won’t be tolerated.

This year, I’ve tried to look at exercise in a different way. Yes, I tried. However, it still sucks. It is still work. It is still about as much fun as a lobotomy. However, there is something about creeping towards 30 that makes your metabolism rebel. I think mine naps most of the time, waking up to half-heartedly engage in work a few measly hours of the day. Then there is the whole conundrum of the post pregnancy stomach. The last three years of threatening it, ignoring it, and hoping wishful thinking would abolish it have not been fruitful. That mind over matter crap doesn’t deserve the hype it gets. The trifecta of this dilemma came in the form of an angry right hip. Yes, at 29 I have a hip problem. I am not sure what I did to make it so uncooperative. I am expecting the Red Hat Society invitation in the mail any day. So, here I sit out of shape, with a beer belly stomach, and a wobbly right hip, finding myself in the middle of a Onethird Life Crisis.

So, I did what any insane, self-punishing, irrational person who hates exercise would do. I hired a personal trainer. I committed to an eight-week program. I paid for all eight-weeks in advance. For those of you wondering if I’ve lost my mind, I think we can enter this decision into evidence as Exhibit A (or possibly Z if any of you are keeping track). Do you think they have a non-exercise related program? I'm going to try to enroll in that one.

I am thinking my typical axiom of needing to live up to other people’s expectations will return the benefit to me with this approach. What do you think?

9 comments:

Michel said...

I have been asking what the status is of the fat pill I have been requesting for MONTHS now.

I also hired a personal trainer. I actually liked it but she kicked my ass and would use veiled threats to keep me motivated...she would say thinks like "keep up the good work.." and "see you friday."

I KNOW! HATEFUL!

Michel said...

however, as I'm in Sudan now, I've pretty much said - F it. I'm tortured enough.

Grand Pooba said...

Excersize is hardest in the winter for me. I look outside and there's no way in hell I'm gettin my butt off the couch to out in all that frozen white crap!

Now that it's summer hopefully it'll be easier for you. The personal trainer was a pretty insane thing to do, I agree. You may be mentally insane but at least you'll be skinny dammit!

Rachel Cotterill said...

Could work :) I have a knee problem (and I'm a couple of yrs younger than you!) so I've given up exercise till they fix it...

K said...

Good luck!

I bribe myself with childcare at the gym and eight TVs filled with bad day time TV. If I had to do it during "off duty" time, I would never go.

Call Me Cate said...

Good luck! There are times I enjoy exercise. The last six months? No. Just make sure you are clear with the personal trainer what you want. My focus was weight-loss with some muscle tone. She was all about bulking me up. I had awesome arms though!

Kara said...

I had to laugh at your post. I, too, hate exercising. But I do go to the gym every day and lift weights and do HIIT, and all that jazz.

Here's the mental game I play with myself and it works - for me anyway. I really don't like getting up in the mornings. I'm not a morning person and I dread mornings. But I have to work because I don't have any choice. It's either get up and go to work or live in a box under a bridge. So I do it because it's the mature, responsible, grown-up thing to do. Ditto paying bills - I'd rather buy a bunch of books and pay for fun things than pay my mortgage. But there's that box under a bridge thing again.

I try to think of exercise the same way. You just do it. You don't have to like it. You don't have to want to. You just do it. Because doing it is what responsible people do. And not doing it produces less than optimal results.

Yeah, it's silly and it's mostly mind games, but it works for me. And it's what gets me to the gym every day even when I'd rather drive home and sit on the sofa and eat potato chips

Ron and Stacy <3 said...

Ahhh, this all sounds so familiar and hits very close to home (sans the bad hip - ouch!). I am coming up on my 29th birthday (too quickly, if you ask me), had a baby 5 months ago and have NO motivation whatsoever to lift my feet and get on the fancy treadmill I recently bought. Besides, it's become quite a nice clothes rack. Anyhow, I wholeheartedly wish you LUCK and please keep us all posted as to how this personal trainer works out! In the meantime, it's off to the couch with snacks for me...

E. Sloane Cannon said...

Oh how I've missed your blog! Thought I'd drop by and say hello since I'm back from my 2 month hiatus. Check out my blog if you get a minute, I talk about what I've been up to :-) Good luck with the exercise program, I'm attempting to motivate myself as I type to go on a run. I don't really see it happening until like 6 hours from now though...