Monday, January 5, 2009

Dear Snow Plow Driver

Dear Mr. Snow-Plow Driver,

I’ve heeded all popular advice in “taking time to cool down” before I decided to address you about THE snow issue. It has been two weeks and I still feel like sneaking into your home and stealing all of the light bulbs out of your fixtures in the middle of the night. I’m not sure the cooling down period was all that effective.

I am not certain what prohibits you from plowing the massive amounts of snow from our subdivision into the nice empty area between our driveway and the neighbors in the cul-de-sac. Instead, you repeatedly relieve your plow right in front of my mailbox over and over and over again. After the snowfall we had the week before Christmas, you left a pile of snow as high as the mailbox. Pile upon pile upon pile provided a nice embankment that spanned about 4 feet to each side and a generous 6 feet in front of the mailbox.

When you do this, our mail lady leaves scathing messages about clearing the approach to our mailbox or she is going to STOP.DELIVERING.OUR.MAIL.

The task is undaunted by a mere shovel. If I attempted to tackle the pile via shovel, we would likely see the spring thaw before I reached the half-way point. The other option we have is our ATV with a plow. In the event that I figured out how to operate the machine without injuring or maiming myself or innocent bystanders, I am still left in a predicament. What do I do with Kate? Our mailbox is not visible from the house. So, my first option would be to leave her unattended in the house while I plow out the mailbox. The second option would be to strap her car seat to the back rack of the ATV and have her wildly screaming “faster faster faster” as I careen recklessly through the snow. I am fairly certain that both options would result in a friendly visit from Child Protective Services.

As such, I ignore the love letters that the mail lady leaves until Craig gets home.

Mail lady isn’t so fond of my lack of response to her threats. So, she upped the ante and left a diagram in my mailbox that showed me exactly how to clear the approach and what it should look like when it is completed. In case you are unaware, she needs unimpeded access that does not require her to get out of her car or put it into reverse. If you see the mail lady, please flip her off, and let her know I lack muscles, not the ability to read.

Remember the snowfall that we got the week before Christmas? No? It was when you left a snow mountain at the end of our driveway so high that we thought someone might have stolen our house when we arrived home and couldn’t find it. Well, during that particular week the mail lady decided that she didn’t want to play anymore and the only thing she delivered was on her word to stop bringing our mail.

Since she decided to throw her hissy fit, I didn’t get my Christmas cards that I was eagerly anticipating from the printer for two additional days. I do realize that I was cutting it close as it was asshat, but I had timed it just perfectly. I obviously hadn’t provided the allowance for the tantrum thrown by the mail lady and the utter incompetence of the plow driver (yeah, you). During this diatribe, my darling daughter looked at me and said “Is Daddy plowing the freaking driveway?” You forced me to speak in pseudo-explicatives to get my point across, which apparently has earned me yet another Mother of the Year Nomination.

Mr. Snow-Plow Driver, you screwed with my reputation by making my cards late amongst your other infractions. I’m working on a neon sign with flashing arrows that will direct you to the empty area that is perfectly suitable for dumping snow. If you need a diagram, I’d be happy to provide it. The mail lady learned me real well.

If you fail to oblige, I will find a way for my darling Kate to accompany you on a day of plowing, while jumping up and down screaming “We are FREAKING plowing.”


While the rest of the city has lost their snow already, we are still hiding behind the white mountains at the end of our driveway


C. Beth said...

Ha!! Love it.

I have heard "freaking" out of Chickie's mouth too. As well as...other things.

Kerri said...

Followed from C Beth....That is absolutely hysterical!

Angela said...

That is a hoot! We have the opposite issue, I wish a snowplow would actually show up on our street... could barely drive down it today.

Petunia said...

Now that was a funny read....accept not so much because it's actually happening! Do you have some young kid in your neighborhood to help you out, who might want to make some $$$? From my experience with snow plowers, the drivers are morons and could care less where they dump their piles of snow or Sh@t for that matter. Oh, maybe find some police caution tape and put it up around your mail box to make it look like a crime scene, which it actually is now as government employees will not go near it! Yeah, it's a crime scene now. Jerks!

Jeanne said...

The last winter I lived in Minnesota (someday I'll have to blog about the adventures of an Ohio girl living in the Far North) we averaged two feet of snow on the ground from Thanksgiving until May. It was stacked 10 feet high along both sides of the sidewalk. And once the plow driver kindly deposited a bunch at the end of my driveway, it froze into an ice sculpture that stayed there all winter.

You have my sympathy!

Jodi said...

LOL! You once again have me laughing out loud at my desk! I'm sorry about all of your troubles! I think the darn plow man and the mail lady are in it together to see how mad they can make you!

Call Me Cate said...

Hahahaha, awesome post. I grew up in Upstate NY and I think we had the same snow plow driver. I sometimes miss snow but not the hassles of clearing it.

Claire said...

I so need to see a picture of this mountain of snow. And if it makes you feel any better (doubtful), my Mom's mailman stopped delivering her mail since a car was parked in front of their mailbox. In California. Where there is no snow. She got the same nasty little letter, but what can you do when the car doesn't belong to you??

Move here to North Carolina where we get snow maybe once a year and the entire city shuts down over an inch of snow!!

Christy said...

Hilarious Lindsay! I feel your pain. I'm surprised that our mail lady is actually walking over the 3 foot frozen solid snow bank to deliver our mail! They must send them to plow school, huh?

andi said...

Well at least you HAVE a MAILBOX!!
For 6 years the county plow has blasted my mailbox right off of the post as it speeds happily by. So I was going to out-smart them this year, right? I paid someone to move the post back a foot or so from the road. Smart, eh? I came home before Christmas eager to get all of my cards out of the box only to find it in the middle of my yard, once again blasted by the 'freaking' plow! All cards wet including a check from my ex mother-in-law...that is another story...
count your blessings :)

dddiva said...

Ahh I do not miss moronic snowplow driver at all. Hope you get things worked out with your mail lady soon- maybe leave her a little starbucks card and she'll make an effort to reach out into the cold. ;)

Anonymous said...

Oh Lyndsay! We have a similar problem in our housing developement.... our plow driver fails to plow over far enough to clear our mail box. This, in turn, adds about 6 to 7 additional feet to our driveway and in front of our mailbox. It also causes the drain thing to never get clear that is in front of our house. So not only does Brian have extra snow blowing to do when it snows - when it melts Brian has to clear a path to the drain or we end up with a lake in front of our driveway. I tell Brian to call the county but he never will as he is a man - ha ha ha. I feel your pain. Good luck!


A. said...

I love this! I am laughing so hard I am crying! But just so you know, I am totally laughing WITH you, and not AT you.
And, thoroughly flipping off both the mail lady and the Snow Plow Driver at the same time.
Growing up with Sweden, I actually miss the snow over here in California, but I do not miss the issues that snow brings...

Ann's Rants said...

GREAT effing post! Seriously the image of you on the ATV plow with the car seat was so hilariously clear in my mind. You one funny funny lady.

Jenners said...

So funny! But I want to see the diagram from the mail lady! And the pile of snow!

Crazy Mo said...

Lyndsay, you are hilarious! Despite how angry you are, it still comes through that you're able to laugh. Keep laughing and making us laugh with you!

Lyndsay said...

Beth - I can't imagine Chickie saying something like that ... LOL!

Kerri - Thanks for stopping by :)

Angela - Well, that happens too. We got plowed last, but I'd rather just battle an unplowed road than a snow mountain!

Petunia - Good suggestion. I'm thinking the crime scene tape will futher scare away the mail lady!

Jeanne - LOL, yes you need to blog about it :)

Jodi - Yes, I think they are colluding to see how much I can take :)

Cate - Maybe he was fired and they "relocated" here!?!?

Claire - Of course I didn't take a pic before we plowed it this time. Rest assured that it'll happen again shortly and I'll take one for you. I love NC, but it amazes me how much people freak out when it snows, LOL.

Christy - Give your mail lady a hug!

Andi - OMG; I do have to say I am more intruiged by the check ...

dddiva - If I can get to "my happy place" with the whole situation, I'll consider, LOL

Steph - See, I can look on the positive side - at least we don't have the lake problem :) I know where you live and I know you've been getting the snow snow we have - ack!

A. - Thanks for the support, the more flipper-offers, the better, LO!L

Ann - Oh I heart you and your freaking funny blog!

Jenners - Didn't get it this time, but REST ASSURED there will be another time shortly and I will capture the Kodak moment!

Crazy Mo - Awww, thanks. What do you they say, if you can't beat 'em, join 'em? Might as well laugh about it :)

Anonymous said...

I would be so livid! I am obsessed with getting the mail the second it gets here. I don't know how you haven't confronted him. Well, unless maybe he plows during the middle of the night (isn't that when they do it?). I would totally stand right in front of the mailbox, baby in tow, bathrobe on and throw a bitch fit the second he pulled up. But I suppose that is easier said then done...can't say I have ever had to stand outside in the cold in a bathrobe!

Audiophile Girl said...

I believe in sending letters when I'm not happy about something, and they're usually pretty good (my husband calls them "nastygrams"), but I have to bow down to this letter! Hilarious.