Halloween: The PG-13 Version

To say that Kate loved Halloween truly does not do the situation justice, but we will leave it at that. She had no qualms or hesitation about what trick-or-treating entailed, so she was a kid on a mission. For the record, candy is fairly limited in our house, so if anyone had hesitations about how the night would go, it was me. For all you haters out there, we DO give her candy, just not very much. Kate’s idea of candy is fairly limited to two things; suckers and M&M’s. Don’t tell me I am mean, it won’t make any difference. However, if you are so inclined, I will fill her up with candy and send her to your house. After you witness the aftermath, I think you’d congratulate us for the rare indulgences that we allow her.

As far as how the night played out, I am lucky she’s cute and at the age where manners are still encouraged, but not obligatory. Our trick-or-treating experience mostly consisted of her attempting to grab handfuls of candy from unsuspecting candy-hander-outers. Then, at our neighbor’s house, he told Kate to take one for her mom and dad too. Do you know what that resulted in? Yes, at each house, she’d look up and innocently say, “ …and one for my mommy and daddy too?” We looked like winners then, sending the bait up to steal candy for mom and dad. Her other famous line, after people had generously allowed her to pilfer handfuls of candy, was “Do you have any suckers?” The greedy kid looked totally unappreciative and a little deranged since the candy that she was getting would put a sucker to shame. After she scored her loot, she’d say thanks and turn around and say, “Okay, TWO more houses.”

The highlight of our night came when we got to one of the last few houses in the subdivision. The lady was handing out jawbreakers the size of small children, or at least the size of tennis balls. I’m serious. If I were at home, I’d take a picture of it. You could forgive someone without kids, who might not realize what a bad idea a crater sized jawbreaker would be to a toddler. However, this lady is the mother of SEVEN children. There is no excuse. So, then I started thinking of the whole ideology that with the first kid you sterilize their pacifier, with the second you wash it under tap water, and with the third you don’t even wipe it off. Apparently by the time you get to #7, there is nothing sacred.

Kate was obsessed with these two jawbreakers, which she kept lovingly calling “balls”. As we continued to walk through the neighborhood, she stealthily kept trying to get them out of her bucket. When I wouldn’t let her, she would erupt in a series of “where are my balls?” and “I want my balls”. I turned around for a moment and saw her licking one of the blue jawbreakers. Since I don’t allow any type of fun, or enjoyment in our house, l made her put it back in the bucket. Seriously, if she got that thing in her mouth, I can guarantee you it would be lodged in there. If you let your imagination wander, you can guess where the conversation went next. One hint: she continued talk about licking. Are you there yet? What did she call her jawbreakers? Yes, you got it, balls. It was a moment any parent would be proud of.

Thankfully we distracted her enough from that conversation before we got to the next house. However, as we were walking up the sidewalk, what might transpire hit me like a Mack truck. Her obsession had been suckers and now it was balls. Oh please, do not let her ask, “Do you have any balls?” It was a close call, but she didn’t.

To protect the haters, I will save the story about how she left her candy outside her door and the Halloween Fairy took it and replaced it with a non-sugar related surprise.

Check back tonight, I'll post a picture of the GIANT BALLS along with Kate in her costume!